This is my truth which I have chosen to share with “Daughters”
Share with all the daughters you can.
February 12, 2019
Good evening my name is Yvette Dawn Smith. I was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York. I am a active supporter and member of the Billie Holiday Theatre. I want to thank the Billie Holiday theater for allowing us mothers to write to our daughters. I have two daughters and I want to share with them, as well as all those who may read this letter.
My mother always told me it is not a woman’s responsibility to take care of a man. Of course if they are in a relationship they should be able to look after one another even when it comes to finances.Unfortunately, my heart was always bigger than this reality.
I always found myself in relationships where I was the person taking care of myself, my children and the men in my life. If they had a job they would keep it for as long as they wanted, abruptly quitting, or eventually getting fired. I noticed it was a pattern and easier for them not to work because they knew I would and I did. I made excuses for them telling them I understood, I would do until they could, because I knew they loved me. I was always comforting them in order to help them feel like they were still a man. For a while this worked for me because I felt I was taking care of my man and that’s what a woman was supposed to do. The marital vows kept haunting me. Yes the wife was supposed to have his back no matter what especially if she loved him.
I’m going to make a long story short. Once I started missing more than enough birthday gifts, Valentine’s Day gifts, Christmas gifts, mothers day gifts or simply thinking of you, is when I realize something was very wrong with this picture. I would throw hints like most women want a dozen roses I’m happy with one or if you don’t have money for a card your words on a piece of paper means more to me. Looking back now, Cupid should have knocked me on my head many times. Here I was taking care of an entire household, everything that was in it and keeping things going. I was the one going to court in order to get more time because of an eviction notice And the one finding a new place to live borrowing money Trying to figure out how was I going to pay it back. I was the one calling and making payment agreements in order to keep my utilities on and sometimes they went off anyway. I didn’t learn about candlelight dinners in a romantic setting. I learnt about it eating at a table in the dark instead. I was the one making sure birthdays, Valentine’s Day, Christmas Day, and fathers days were remembered. Shucks if I didn’t have money I would leave a love note on the counter where I left their food, while I went to work sick, exhausted rain or shine in order to maintain. While the man in my life stayed home in bed, playing video games, eating all the food and in some cases stepping out on me.
I’m not sure when I woke up but one day I did and realized I deserved better and love wasn’t me taking care of my man only but he should be taking care of me too. While keeping my bed warm with him in it, I had to admit to myself my heart was cold. This was far fetched from what my mother had rehearsed in my ears and planned for me. I had to realize I had become an enabler for the men in my life, not to do. For clarification I was not a weak, lonely, desperate woman, far from it. I could and did have my pick of men but kept choosing the needy ones. I just really thought if I love them right my love would change them to do right. NOT.. .If they saw they didn’t have to do they weren’t going to and they didn’t. Sometimes I put my foot down and as I mentioned earlier things would change but only for a while. My daughters when you realize you have everything you worked for but you don’t want to come home where it is; it’s time to pay attention. You, as I did will become miserable. He doesn’t even notice because misery loves company. I share with you that it took awhile for me to notice but I’m glad I did. I got rid of them and being in my bed alone was warm and so was my heart. There were some difficult times but the saying I can do bad all by myself was true but not my total truth. I was by myself and doing good!
It took some time for me to understand that love isn’t loving someone more than yourself. Love isn’t settling. Love doesn’t justify in making excuses for someone who supposed to love you and do for you. One day I listened very carefully through my tears and my heart and I had to admit that although I knew what love was or thought it should be, it wasn’t what I was experiencing. I knew this was not love for me even if I had to make my own definition of what love was. I was sure this wasn’t it.
Love came when I met my third husband. I’m not proud of being married 3 times but I am proud I didn’t let my embarrassment keep me in marriages that did not exemplify what I believed love should be. I’ll never forget when my husband said “love is what love does.” Those five words has brought me 11 years of marriage, a warm bed and a warm heart and guess what, I deserve it and so do you.